Hi Everyone,
I have been home for almost 4 weeks now. I have had no interest in anything really hence the reason I haven't updated my blog yet until today. I am healing VERY slowly. I am ready to be back to normal but it's going to be a bit still. I still have a lot of belly pain and incision pain. I am still having some other issues but are a little to personal to mention. The thing that makes all this worth it is that I am cancer free. This ordeal began 6 months ago and I have begun to realize it really will never be over. I realized that at about 9:45am yesterday morning as I was lying on the table in my Dr's office waiting for her to come do my first postop pap smear. I didn't realize that I would be having one until I got there yesterday and was shocked to realize that I was terrified of the results. So as I have done in the past I am waiting for the results to tell me whether or not I am still cancer free or has it come back already. My prayer is that it is still cancer free but until I know for sure I am nervous about it but until I hear otherwise I am cancer free!!!!!!
Somedays I still can't believe that I won't ever be pregnant and give birth to our child. It actually doesn't hurt as bad as I though it would. I think because of the cancer God showed me something more important then having my own baby and that was living. Bottom line is I wasn't ready to go yet, I have too many things left I want to do with my life. Rich and I have been married for 14 1/2 years and I want to have many more with him. At this point in time we don't want to adopt. That may change a year or so from now and until that time comes that we make that final decision we are going to enjoy just being together and we are going to enjoy spoiling our nieces which as of right now we have 3 with another on the way. My best friend Amanda found out she is pregnant - due in April. Rich and I happily accept the honorary Auntie and Uncle role. We already love that little one and can't wait for it to come. We count our blessings in the number of nieces (and hopefully at some point some nephews) that we have and hope to have.
Life is strange in the hand that we are dealt, sometimes we get a good hand, sometimes we don't but at least in my case I got the chance to say "hit me again"
Until next time I hope you all are happy, healthy and loving your family.
Love Shell
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
August 11th, 2008 - This is it!!!!
Hi Everyone,
I must start off by apologizing for not posting after my D&C. We didn't get good news and I just couldn't bring myself to post it. My cancer came back and this time there is more of it and it's a little more aggressive. SO, we again journeyed down to Swedish Medical Center. This time to discuss surgery and how soon could I have it.
The answer is that I have what I believe is called a radical total hysterectomy. At 12pm today, August 11th I lose everything. Including my dream of having a baby.......that little curly haired baby that looked like Rich that I have dreamt of will forever stay locked away in my heart.
I am not really sure just how I feel about all this because at this point in time I just want this cancer gone and I think that hopefully we will get a clean bill of health. If we don't we move forward with more treatment. My doctor however believes that the surgery will be curetive and I won't need anything else. Once we now for sure I think that I can sort my feelings on never having a chance to get pregnant. My only chance to become a Mom is to adopt and right now I don't know that I want to do that. I think that later on that may change.
Well, it's 1am and I have a huge day and a sad day ahead of me so I better get to bed. I won't say when I will post again as I am not sure when I can but I will as soon as possible. I will be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days so after I get home I will post when I am up too it.
Love Shell
I must start off by apologizing for not posting after my D&C. We didn't get good news and I just couldn't bring myself to post it. My cancer came back and this time there is more of it and it's a little more aggressive. SO, we again journeyed down to Swedish Medical Center. This time to discuss surgery and how soon could I have it.
The answer is that I have what I believe is called a radical total hysterectomy. At 12pm today, August 11th I lose everything. Including my dream of having a baby.......that little curly haired baby that looked like Rich that I have dreamt of will forever stay locked away in my heart.
I am not really sure just how I feel about all this because at this point in time I just want this cancer gone and I think that hopefully we will get a clean bill of health. If we don't we move forward with more treatment. My doctor however believes that the surgery will be curetive and I won't need anything else. Once we now for sure I think that I can sort my feelings on never having a chance to get pregnant. My only chance to become a Mom is to adopt and right now I don't know that I want to do that. I think that later on that may change.
Well, it's 1am and I have a huge day and a sad day ahead of me so I better get to bed. I won't say when I will post again as I am not sure when I can but I will as soon as possible. I will be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days so after I get home I will post when I am up too it.
Love Shell
Sunday, July 13, 2008
July 13, 2008 - FREEDOM!!!!!!!!
Last night I took my last Megace pill. Hopefully now the mood swings, night sweats, insomnia and increased appetite will go away. I had been taking Megace 4 times a day for the past 3 months. It's such a relief to be done with this phase of my cancer treatment. The next step is a D&C on Wednesday to confirm that the cancer is indeed still gone. Once we find out for sure we will make our appointment to begin infertility treatments. I suppose the mood swings will come back with the hormone treatments but they won't last as long.
Rich and I are currently spending a nice Sunday together playing Wii, watching some TV and just enjoying each other. I have been up since 6 this morning so I might even take a little nap......I can do whatever I want and not be stressed over taking my medicine. I feel so free today.
I will let you all know just as soon as I get the pathology results back which should be Thursday or Friday. I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday!!!!
Love Shell
Rich and I are currently spending a nice Sunday together playing Wii, watching some TV and just enjoying each other. I have been up since 6 this morning so I might even take a little nap......I can do whatever I want and not be stressed over taking my medicine. I feel so free today.
I will let you all know just as soon as I get the pathology results back which should be Thursday or Friday. I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday!!!!
Love Shell
Monday, July 7, 2008
July 7th, 2008
Happy Independance Day!!!!! a few days late. We had a busy 4th this year and it took me all weekend to recover from it. I did some heavy duty yard work so that contributed to my tiredness - LOL!!!!! Even though I still feel young I have noticed that it takes me a little longer to recover from stuff these days.
I have 5 days left on my medicine. I am so relieved to be done with this but thankful for what this medicine has done for me. I just hope that I return to normal. One thing that I have come to realize that I have matured a little over the last 3 months. I don't always feel that way when I am having a fit but I've grown.
I hope some of my new found maturity will help me get through the next few months. They are going to be difficult. Before this all happened I feel like I was blossoming, like I was coming out of hiding. I didn't want to just be at home all the time I wanted to do stuff but since my diagnoses all I want to do again is hide. I have things in my life I still do I just don't always want to do them. I have to force myself. I hope that goes away.......
I am done with one phase of this and I am on to the next, we'll see what kind of mood that produces. I already have a couple friends who have pretty much removed themselves from my life so we'll see if any others do that too. I guess I can't blame anybody really, I haven't been the easiest person to be around but you expect your friends to understand. I guess some don't or they just don't care.
C'est la vie...........
This is it for now........no, I am not in the best mood right now.....just sad!!!!
My surgery is next week so I will post to let you all know the results, this surgery is the D&C that will make sure that my cancer is gone. Keep your fingers crossed and pray!!!!
Love Shell
I have 5 days left on my medicine. I am so relieved to be done with this but thankful for what this medicine has done for me. I just hope that I return to normal. One thing that I have come to realize that I have matured a little over the last 3 months. I don't always feel that way when I am having a fit but I've grown.
I hope some of my new found maturity will help me get through the next few months. They are going to be difficult. Before this all happened I feel like I was blossoming, like I was coming out of hiding. I didn't want to just be at home all the time I wanted to do stuff but since my diagnoses all I want to do again is hide. I have things in my life I still do I just don't always want to do them. I have to force myself. I hope that goes away.......
I am done with one phase of this and I am on to the next, we'll see what kind of mood that produces. I already have a couple friends who have pretty much removed themselves from my life so we'll see if any others do that too. I guess I can't blame anybody really, I haven't been the easiest person to be around but you expect your friends to understand. I guess some don't or they just don't care.
C'est la vie...........
This is it for now........no, I am not in the best mood right now.....just sad!!!!
My surgery is next week so I will post to let you all know the results, this surgery is the D&C that will make sure that my cancer is gone. Keep your fingers crossed and pray!!!!
Love Shell
Thursday, June 26, 2008
June 26th - 15 days
Hi Everyone,
Man, another month has gone by and I haven't posted anything. So real quick, here is the update.
I have 15 days left on my medicine....that is a relief.
I am still super witchy.....not a relief nor any fun
I have gained a little of my weight back which is a result of the Megace.......so makes me mad!!!!!!
Rich has been the best in dealing with me. He takes my mind off everything by getting me addicted to great TV shows that we then rent the seasons from NetFlix. Right now we are addicted to NCIS. This is a superb show. I look forward to watching it whenever we get a DVD. It's just a great show. Rich and I mourned the end of Crossing Jordan and this show is a great replacement. My favorite characters are Abby and McGee. I highly recommend this show.
I can't say enough about my hubby. He really has had to put up with a lot from me in the last 3 months. I am so very lucky to have him. I know that no matter what happens in the next year or so he will be there for me and if we have to suffer the heartbreak of no babies at least I have him to go through this with.....
Well, I am off to bed. I put in a long day today and I haven't been feeling all that great, just some minor health irritation, nothing major. I am tired though.
I have my D&C on July 16th so in case I don't post between now and then please keep us in your prayers.
We Love You
Man, another month has gone by and I haven't posted anything. So real quick, here is the update.
I have 15 days left on my medicine....that is a relief.
I am still super witchy.....not a relief nor any fun
I have gained a little of my weight back which is a result of the Megace.......so makes me mad!!!!!!
Rich has been the best in dealing with me. He takes my mind off everything by getting me addicted to great TV shows that we then rent the seasons from NetFlix. Right now we are addicted to NCIS. This is a superb show. I look forward to watching it whenever we get a DVD. It's just a great show. Rich and I mourned the end of Crossing Jordan and this show is a great replacement. My favorite characters are Abby and McGee. I highly recommend this show.
I can't say enough about my hubby. He really has had to put up with a lot from me in the last 3 months. I am so very lucky to have him. I know that no matter what happens in the next year or so he will be there for me and if we have to suffer the heartbreak of no babies at least I have him to go through this with.....
Well, I am off to bed. I put in a long day today and I haven't been feeling all that great, just some minor health irritation, nothing major. I am tired though.
I have my D&C on July 16th so in case I don't post between now and then please keep us in your prayers.
We Love You
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
May 20th - Awesome News!!!!!!!!!!
So you know that PET scan I was freaked out about last week????? Well, we all had hoped that the scan would show the cancer ONLY in my uterus.....I never expected, hoped, dreamed or even thought that it would show NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!! YEP, that's right as of right now I am considered cancer free. Now, take me off the medicine and over a long period of time it will eventually come back so I am not TOTALLY out of the woods yet but I am walking along the edge of it. I was so excited to see normal. That was a weight lifted off my shoulders. We are now free to make our appt to see the infertility docs in Denver and start our plan of action of what we are going to do with our 2 attempts.
In the mean time I wish I could say that my moods have improved but they haven't really. It's kind of sad because I rip into someone and then I have to apologize. It's horrible!!!! I just have 7 weeks and 4 days to go - 53 days..........I am grateful for the chance but holy cow, this is a ride I have yet to get used too!!!!!!!
I have been trying to do things that make me happy, like for example.....play with my dog, hang out with my hubby, family and friends, read, etc.......One of the things we have been doing is playing Nintendo Wii. We found one last week at Sams Club and bought it. When Rich and I were first married we bought a Super Nintendo. We would stay up half the night playing Mario Kart. We loved it!!! So, in looking for things that make me happy that was one. The thing is we still have our Super Nintendo, I have no idea if it works but we could have just played that BUT NO, I had to have a Wii. Honestly we love it and have fun playing it. So that has helped me somewhat. Another thing that makes me happy is my nieces. They are coming to spend the night with us this weekend. I am going to pick them up on Friday as soon as I get off work and we are going to go flower shopping. My yard needs color and I need flowers - all those things make me happy. My bleeding hearts are almost ready to bloom, I need to replace 1 sweet William and my snapdragons.......the rest will be pansys, a foxglove (that is supposed to be a perenial but mine dies every year) and a few others whose names I can't thing of at the moment.
We are then going to have a Harry Potter a thon......play my little ponies and whatever else my sweet little nieces want. They make me so happy, they put little band aids on my heart with every "I love you", with every hug and every kiss. Those 2 little girls make this Aunties broken heart better. I am being remiss here in forgetting to mention Madison, let me explain. I actually have 1 biological niece. That would be Kaitlyn. Her sister Rylee has a different dad, and then there is Madison. She is Kevin and Karla's daughter. She calls me Auntie Shell too. It doesn't matter to me if they have the same blood or not, all 3 of these little girls love me and I love them. I can be anybody's auntie if they want me........to me Rylee is just as much mine as Katie is. I adore her!!!!! as I do Kaitlyn and Madison.
I even get a special hug from Madison that Karla says she never gives to her or Kevin. I really am lucky to be an Auntie..........That makes me HAPPY!!!!!!!!
I guess I better wind this up.........my hubby is calling and being with him, in our home, with our dog doing whatever we feel like makes me happy, anywhere my hubby is as long as I can be with him makes me happy!!!!!!!
I hope you all do something tonight that makes you happy!!!!!!!
Love Shell
In the mean time I wish I could say that my moods have improved but they haven't really. It's kind of sad because I rip into someone and then I have to apologize. It's horrible!!!! I just have 7 weeks and 4 days to go - 53 days..........I am grateful for the chance but holy cow, this is a ride I have yet to get used too!!!!!!!
I have been trying to do things that make me happy, like for example.....play with my dog, hang out with my hubby, family and friends, read, etc.......One of the things we have been doing is playing Nintendo Wii. We found one last week at Sams Club and bought it. When Rich and I were first married we bought a Super Nintendo. We would stay up half the night playing Mario Kart. We loved it!!! So, in looking for things that make me happy that was one. The thing is we still have our Super Nintendo, I have no idea if it works but we could have just played that BUT NO, I had to have a Wii. Honestly we love it and have fun playing it. So that has helped me somewhat. Another thing that makes me happy is my nieces. They are coming to spend the night with us this weekend. I am going to pick them up on Friday as soon as I get off work and we are going to go flower shopping. My yard needs color and I need flowers - all those things make me happy. My bleeding hearts are almost ready to bloom, I need to replace 1 sweet William and my snapdragons.......the rest will be pansys, a foxglove (that is supposed to be a perenial but mine dies every year) and a few others whose names I can't thing of at the moment.
We are then going to have a Harry Potter a thon......play my little ponies and whatever else my sweet little nieces want. They make me so happy, they put little band aids on my heart with every "I love you", with every hug and every kiss. Those 2 little girls make this Aunties broken heart better. I am being remiss here in forgetting to mention Madison, let me explain. I actually have 1 biological niece. That would be Kaitlyn. Her sister Rylee has a different dad, and then there is Madison. She is Kevin and Karla's daughter. She calls me Auntie Shell too. It doesn't matter to me if they have the same blood or not, all 3 of these little girls love me and I love them. I can be anybody's auntie if they want me........to me Rylee is just as much mine as Katie is. I adore her!!!!! as I do Kaitlyn and Madison.
I even get a special hug from Madison that Karla says she never gives to her or Kevin. I really am lucky to be an Auntie..........That makes me HAPPY!!!!!!!!
I guess I better wind this up.........my hubby is calling and being with him, in our home, with our dog doing whatever we feel like makes me happy, anywhere my hubby is as long as I can be with him makes me happy!!!!!!!
I hope you all do something tonight that makes you happy!!!!!!!
Love Shell
Monday, May 12, 2008
May 12th, 2008 - Checking in
Hi Everyone,
I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I didn't realize it until Manda pointed it out to me. Growing up my Mom used to tell me that if I had nothing nice to say then don't say it at all. Well, that is in part why I have been silent. The medicine that I am on to treat the cancer (Megace) causes me to have sever mood swings. I can be happy, devastated and extremely angry in less then 5 minutes. It doesn't take much to set me off and it takes forever for me to get it back under control. You know it's bad when you apologize to your husband before you go to sleep for anything you say while in a sleepy state - let me explain......
All of us in my family are sleep walkers. My Mom could have died if it hadn't of been for my grandfather who happened to hear her open the front door one night - by the time he got clothes on she was half way down the street. He reached her as she was about to step onto Beach Blvd (Beach Blvd is a main street in Garden Grove, Ca - their house at the time was right off that road - it would be the equivalent of lets say the Bypass at rush hour only it's like that all the time.) Anyway - me and my brothers (Bryan especially - me and John not as bad) all inherited this affliction from my Mom. We have in the past had fun with this - like the time Bryan was sleep walking back and forth into a wall....after we laughed for a minuted or so Mom gently turned his shoulders and he went back to bed.....John has had his share too.....Back in 1994 right after Rich and I first got married Mom became very ill and ended up in the hospital. Afraid that if something happened to her that Terry would try and take the boys she signed some document basically saying that if she died Rich and I were to have custody of them. So, leaving that night with my brothers in tow we went back to our little tiny apartment. We were all exhausted and scared , Bryan crashed on the couch and John on the floor as close to our bedroom door as he could get. ...well, anyway, the funny part......after we had all fallen asleep I heard John making some noise. Being the big sister I am I went to check on him. Well, I found Bryan sitting up on the couch laughing and John sitting on the floor grabbing at his face, I nealt down next to him and realized that he was totally asleep but grabbing at his face. He started saying he couldn't get his glasses off. I am laughing by this point, Bryan is in near hysterics on the couch and Rich is cracking up too.....I gently shook his shoulder and told him his glasses were on the table. He glared at me, layed down and went right back to sleep. To this day that still makes me laugh and he still doesn't remember doing this. The Boys have a great story about Mom but they would have to tell it, I wasn't there for that one but I got the phone call from both of them. It's pretty funny.....
Anyway - I typically will get up and walk around......sometimes I just stare at Rich (this is according to him) sometimes I yell at him.....how terrible is that!!!! Anyway, since I have been on this medicine he usually breathes a sigh of relief when I go to sleep HOWEVER a few times I have woken up yelling at him like almost screaming......I feel terrible about this, I have NO recollection of doing this to him. So, now before I go to bed I apologize for anything I may say while I am under the influence of sleep. I guess a week or so ago I did it really bad......I was ready to move into Katie and Rylee's room (for those that don't me that well they are my precious little nieces) until I was off this medicine just so my poor hubby doesn't have to go through this. He wouldn't let me so I guess he still loves me......LOL!!!!!
I told Manda today that really I should be locked away until I am off this medicine. Last night at dinner I could have taken Bryan down with a comment he made about how I was his step sister- WHAT THE FREAKING HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom realized that he was confused between step and half and explained I was TECHNICALLY his half sister....
OKay - I can't even begin to tell you all how OFFENDED I was that my BROTHER who is my brother through and through no matter what referred to me as "just my half sister"......I am more sister to him then a lot of brothers and sisters who have the same parents!!!!! Oh, that still cuts like a knife just to think about it. After all these years he just sees me as his half sister.....before he was born I remember being upset that he was only my half brother and Mom explained to me that I would never see him that way. I never did and I never have. There is no difference in my heart. He belongs to me as does John.......they are mine I am theirs!!!!!! We are siblings, we have been to hell and back together, we have seen things no children should EVER see.....there are no halfsies in this family!!!!!!!!! I truly hope that Bryan doesn't REALLY see me as just his half sister because if he does he needs to keep it to himself, my heart can't take that kind of heart break right now!!!!!!!
Most of time these days I just want to hide, I am almost afraid to be around people. I can't hold my tongue like I used to, I am on a perpetual roller coaster and I can't get off until July 12th at around 10pm - that's when I take my last pill....2 months from today, I have only been on this medicine for 1 month today and already it feels like eternity. I want to be myself again, I want to feel happy again, I want to look in the mirror and see a happy me instead of a tired, angry and sad me. I am not pretty like this!!!!!!
I don't mean to complain about this, honestly this is my choice to be on this medicine, it's the only way I will even have a chance to try and get pregnant. I thought knowing that would make taking this medicine EASY but even the shear happiness at just have a chance isn't enough to shake me out of my funk when I get in one. For whatever reason God picked me to go through this and at some point I am sure he will tell me why but in the mean time I just keep telling myself to have faith......it's all I can do!!!
On a happier note last Wednesday Rich and I celebrated 14 years of being married!! Next to my family Rich is the longest relationship I have ever had!!!!! I consider that an accomplishment and one that I am proud of!!!!! I wonder what the next 14 will bring us??
Thanks for listening to me ramble, I will try to be more diligent about keeping you all updated. There are 2 things I can tell you so far...
My FSH test results came back showing my FSH was 4.7 - which is great.......
Tomorrow morning at 8am (May 13th) I will have a PET scan to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else. I am terrified of the results of this test but I will post as soon as I know the results.
I better go put my grumpy butt to bed, I actually don't feel grumpy tonight, I am sad, scared and freaked out about tomorrow!!! I just hope I can get through the night without screaming at Rich.....you know sleep is almost stressful but that's another blog that I will write about later!!
Good night all, if your phone rings in the middle of the night and it's me please forgive me for whatever comes out of my mouth....
Love Shell
I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I didn't realize it until Manda pointed it out to me. Growing up my Mom used to tell me that if I had nothing nice to say then don't say it at all. Well, that is in part why I have been silent. The medicine that I am on to treat the cancer (Megace) causes me to have sever mood swings. I can be happy, devastated and extremely angry in less then 5 minutes. It doesn't take much to set me off and it takes forever for me to get it back under control. You know it's bad when you apologize to your husband before you go to sleep for anything you say while in a sleepy state - let me explain......
All of us in my family are sleep walkers. My Mom could have died if it hadn't of been for my grandfather who happened to hear her open the front door one night - by the time he got clothes on she was half way down the street. He reached her as she was about to step onto Beach Blvd (Beach Blvd is a main street in Garden Grove, Ca - their house at the time was right off that road - it would be the equivalent of lets say the Bypass at rush hour only it's like that all the time.) Anyway - me and my brothers (Bryan especially - me and John not as bad) all inherited this affliction from my Mom. We have in the past had fun with this - like the time Bryan was sleep walking back and forth into a wall....after we laughed for a minuted or so Mom gently turned his shoulders and he went back to bed.....John has had his share too.....Back in 1994 right after Rich and I first got married Mom became very ill and ended up in the hospital. Afraid that if something happened to her that Terry would try and take the boys she signed some document basically saying that if she died Rich and I were to have custody of them. So, leaving that night with my brothers in tow we went back to our little tiny apartment. We were all exhausted and scared , Bryan crashed on the couch and John on the floor as close to our bedroom door as he could get. ...well, anyway, the funny part......after we had all fallen asleep I heard John making some noise. Being the big sister I am I went to check on him. Well, I found Bryan sitting up on the couch laughing and John sitting on the floor grabbing at his face, I nealt down next to him and realized that he was totally asleep but grabbing at his face. He started saying he couldn't get his glasses off. I am laughing by this point, Bryan is in near hysterics on the couch and Rich is cracking up too.....I gently shook his shoulder and told him his glasses were on the table. He glared at me, layed down and went right back to sleep. To this day that still makes me laugh and he still doesn't remember doing this. The Boys have a great story about Mom but they would have to tell it, I wasn't there for that one but I got the phone call from both of them. It's pretty funny.....
Anyway - I typically will get up and walk around......sometimes I just stare at Rich (this is according to him) sometimes I yell at him.....how terrible is that!!!! Anyway, since I have been on this medicine he usually breathes a sigh of relief when I go to sleep HOWEVER a few times I have woken up yelling at him like almost screaming......I feel terrible about this, I have NO recollection of doing this to him. So, now before I go to bed I apologize for anything I may say while I am under the influence of sleep. I guess a week or so ago I did it really bad......I was ready to move into Katie and Rylee's room (for those that don't me that well they are my precious little nieces) until I was off this medicine just so my poor hubby doesn't have to go through this. He wouldn't let me so I guess he still loves me......LOL!!!!!
I told Manda today that really I should be locked away until I am off this medicine. Last night at dinner I could have taken Bryan down with a comment he made about how I was his step sister- WHAT THE FREAKING HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom realized that he was confused between step and half and explained I was TECHNICALLY his half sister....
OKay - I can't even begin to tell you all how OFFENDED I was that my BROTHER who is my brother through and through no matter what referred to me as "just my half sister"......I am more sister to him then a lot of brothers and sisters who have the same parents!!!!! Oh, that still cuts like a knife just to think about it. After all these years he just sees me as his half sister.....before he was born I remember being upset that he was only my half brother and Mom explained to me that I would never see him that way. I never did and I never have. There is no difference in my heart. He belongs to me as does John.......they are mine I am theirs!!!!!! We are siblings, we have been to hell and back together, we have seen things no children should EVER see.....there are no halfsies in this family!!!!!!!!! I truly hope that Bryan doesn't REALLY see me as just his half sister because if he does he needs to keep it to himself, my heart can't take that kind of heart break right now!!!!!!!
Most of time these days I just want to hide, I am almost afraid to be around people. I can't hold my tongue like I used to, I am on a perpetual roller coaster and I can't get off until July 12th at around 10pm - that's when I take my last pill....2 months from today, I have only been on this medicine for 1 month today and already it feels like eternity. I want to be myself again, I want to feel happy again, I want to look in the mirror and see a happy me instead of a tired, angry and sad me. I am not pretty like this!!!!!!
I don't mean to complain about this, honestly this is my choice to be on this medicine, it's the only way I will even have a chance to try and get pregnant. I thought knowing that would make taking this medicine EASY but even the shear happiness at just have a chance isn't enough to shake me out of my funk when I get in one. For whatever reason God picked me to go through this and at some point I am sure he will tell me why but in the mean time I just keep telling myself to have faith......it's all I can do!!!
On a happier note last Wednesday Rich and I celebrated 14 years of being married!! Next to my family Rich is the longest relationship I have ever had!!!!! I consider that an accomplishment and one that I am proud of!!!!! I wonder what the next 14 will bring us??
Thanks for listening to me ramble, I will try to be more diligent about keeping you all updated. There are 2 things I can tell you so far...
My FSH test results came back showing my FSH was 4.7 - which is great.......
Tomorrow morning at 8am (May 13th) I will have a PET scan to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else. I am terrified of the results of this test but I will post as soon as I know the results.
I better go put my grumpy butt to bed, I actually don't feel grumpy tonight, I am sad, scared and freaked out about tomorrow!!! I just hope I can get through the night without screaming at Rich.....you know sleep is almost stressful but that's another blog that I will write about later!!
Good night all, if your phone rings in the middle of the night and it's me please forgive me for whatever comes out of my mouth....
Love Shell
Friday, April 4, 2008
April 4th, 2008
A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes. My heart made a wish today and I didn't dare dream that it could come true. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best has been my motto all week. Based on all the research that I have done as well as My Mom and Rich none of us thought I had any other options then hysterectomy.
To our shock and amazement Dr. Shmitz told us that we could try treating my cancer with medicine. In 3 months I will have a repeat D&C with a biopsy and if that is okay we can try 2 rounds of infertility drugs. After those rounds if I am not pregnant then I have to undergo a hysterectomy. So, regardless of what happens I will lose my uterus sometime between now and say approximately 15 months from now because if we do get pregnant I have to have the hysterectomy right after the baby is born.
We have some tests we have to do like check my FSH levels and have a PET scan. If my FSH levels are too high then that would indicate I would never be able to become pregnant anyway and if that is the case we will proceed with hysterectomy in about a month. If they are okay then we will proceed with the medication to treat the cancer and go from there. So even though I still may not ever become pregnant we at least have some chances to try. I can live with that. It will still be hard to deal with but not as hard as it would have been to just proceed straight to the hysterectomy as we thought I would be doing. None of this is without risks but the risks are actually pretty low and I will be well watched through all of this.
I am so happy to just have a chance, that is all I wanted. We may have never got pregnant anyway, we always knew we would have a hard time. I just feel relieved and hopeful but more importantly much more prepared to accept the loss if not having a baby is still what happens.
So, our roller coaster ride continues but not for much longer. In the mean time we will begin to explore our adoption options. Who knows we could have a baby and still even adopt one.....
Thank You for praying for us, we love you!!!!!
Shell
To our shock and amazement Dr. Shmitz told us that we could try treating my cancer with medicine. In 3 months I will have a repeat D&C with a biopsy and if that is okay we can try 2 rounds of infertility drugs. After those rounds if I am not pregnant then I have to undergo a hysterectomy. So, regardless of what happens I will lose my uterus sometime between now and say approximately 15 months from now because if we do get pregnant I have to have the hysterectomy right after the baby is born.
We have some tests we have to do like check my FSH levels and have a PET scan. If my FSH levels are too high then that would indicate I would never be able to become pregnant anyway and if that is the case we will proceed with hysterectomy in about a month. If they are okay then we will proceed with the medication to treat the cancer and go from there. So even though I still may not ever become pregnant we at least have some chances to try. I can live with that. It will still be hard to deal with but not as hard as it would have been to just proceed straight to the hysterectomy as we thought I would be doing. None of this is without risks but the risks are actually pretty low and I will be well watched through all of this.
I am so happy to just have a chance, that is all I wanted. We may have never got pregnant anyway, we always knew we would have a hard time. I just feel relieved and hopeful but more importantly much more prepared to accept the loss if not having a baby is still what happens.
So, our roller coaster ride continues but not for much longer. In the mean time we will begin to explore our adoption options. Who knows we could have a baby and still even adopt one.....
Thank You for praying for us, we love you!!!!!
Shell
Thursday, April 3, 2008
April 3rd, 2008
The song above is called "A Dream is a Wish That Your Heart Makes" and is from Cinderella. Any of you that know us know of our love for all things Disney. I also love Jim Brickman so when Manda gave me a CD by Jim Brickman titled "A Disney Song Book" I was so excited. I fell in love with that CD and when I found this song on there it made me cry - not really in a sad way, in a reflective sort of way. This song has always comforted me whenever I listened to it and would renew my resolve to have faith and hope.
Tomorrow I find out if that little baby I have dreamed of will forever stay locked away in my heart or if there is just a tiny little window in which he/she can fit through before the window is closed forever.
Good news is that when God closes a window or a door he opens another, I just have to hope that we find it.
Something tells me that our faith will guide us!!!! Please pray for us tomorrow as we will all need it. I will post just as soon as we can to let you all know what the doctor said.
Love Shell
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April 1st, 2008
Insurance finally came through. I was approved to go see Dr. Mary Jo Schmitz at Swedish Medical Center on Friday April 4th. My appt is at 9am on Friday. I am so glad it wasn't at 11am.
Rich and I are busy making our list of questions. I hope it's not too big. First thing though is to see what she says because honestly if our only option is total hysterectomy then a lot of our questions will be pointless.
I am looking forward to this appt no matter what she says because at least we have the ball rolling and we are doing something. As long as we are doing something I feel better.
Shell
Rich and I are busy making our list of questions. I hope it's not too big. First thing though is to see what she says because honestly if our only option is total hysterectomy then a lot of our questions will be pointless.
I am looking forward to this appt no matter what she says because at least we have the ball rolling and we are doing something. As long as we are doing something I feel better.
Shell
Monday, March 31, 2008
March 31st, 2008
We still don't have approval from my insurance yet to go to Denver and meet with a specialist. It's pending.
Don' t these people now what Cancer means.......HELLO, MCFLY!!!!! This should be a no brainer. They have the request, my hospital doesn't have what I need to take care of this, it should be approved IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I have insurance and that I have options but seriously this shouldn't require any thought. I have an alien growing in the lining of my uterus! Well heck, at least I can grow something in there!!!! LOL!
I guess that's it for today, I don't have much to say - can you all believe it, me with not much to say.....don't get used to it, it doesn't happen often!!! :)
toodles.....until tomorrow and hopefully I will have a response from Insurance.....
Shell
Don' t these people now what Cancer means.......HELLO, MCFLY!!!!! This should be a no brainer. They have the request, my hospital doesn't have what I need to take care of this, it should be approved IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I have insurance and that I have options but seriously this shouldn't require any thought. I have an alien growing in the lining of my uterus! Well heck, at least I can grow something in there!!!! LOL!
I guess that's it for today, I don't have much to say - can you all believe it, me with not much to say.....don't get used to it, it doesn't happen often!!! :)
toodles.....until tomorrow and hopefully I will have a response from Insurance.....
Shell
Sunday, March 30, 2008
March 30th, 2008
Well, I slept last night and I feel much better today. I am still overwhelmed by this whole situation. I still can't believe what has transpired. Last night before I finally went to bed I took my medication. 1 medication is metformin, it is traditionally used to treat diabetes but I don't have diabetes, in my case it is treating my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was taking this in hopes that it would help us get pregnant. I had also started taking prenatal vitamins. I still took them but I realized that I didn't need them now. That was another wave of sadness that washed over me.
For someone who has "the best kind of cancer to have if your going to have it" you wouldn't think that I would be so sad but I think I am in mourning for what we have lost. It literally feels like I have suffered a death in my family and in someways I have. Does one mourn for a child never born??? I always new this could be a possibility but it still hurts.
I guess despite how this post sounds so far I really do feel better today. My hope and faith has always been to have a child so now I need to shift that hope and faith to how we go about adopting one. We are parents in need of a child to love and somewhere out there is a child in need of parents to love it. Instead of being born from my body that child will be born in my heart. That child may not have even been born yet but when we are ready to pursue it I have hope and faith that God will bring us together.
I hope you all have a blessed Sunday, I know I will. I have a husband who loves me, a puppy who adores me and because it's Sunday that means there is a race to watch........
Boogity, Boogity, Boogity lets go racing boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Shell
For someone who has "the best kind of cancer to have if your going to have it" you wouldn't think that I would be so sad but I think I am in mourning for what we have lost. It literally feels like I have suffered a death in my family and in someways I have. Does one mourn for a child never born??? I always new this could be a possibility but it still hurts.
I guess despite how this post sounds so far I really do feel better today. My hope and faith has always been to have a child so now I need to shift that hope and faith to how we go about adopting one. We are parents in need of a child to love and somewhere out there is a child in need of parents to love it. Instead of being born from my body that child will be born in my heart. That child may not have even been born yet but when we are ready to pursue it I have hope and faith that God will bring us together.
I hope you all have a blessed Sunday, I know I will. I have a husband who loves me, a puppy who adores me and because it's Sunday that means there is a race to watch........
Boogity, Boogity, Boogity lets go racing boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Shell
Saturday, March 29, 2008
March 29, 2008
Today has been weird.
In 16 minutes it will be 36 hours since Rich and I sat in the doctors office and heard the words "you have endometrial cancer".....I wished that Dr. Stoltz had added "just kidding"......but this isn't something to joke about!!! In fact I haven't really found anything that can lighten the situation. I feel like my arms and legs are weighted down and I can't move, like I am living in a fog. The words cancer and me just shouldn't go together.
Out of everything so far that I am creeped out about is a dream Rich actually had about 10 years ago. I was sound asleep when he grabbed me and was just bawling. FREAKED me out......I kept asking him what was wrong and he told me that he had been dreaming that I had cancer!!!!! I have thought a lot about that yesterday and today!!!!
I told my Mom today that I feel like I should have a big C on my forehead. I don't feel like myself anymore. Like there is an alien in my body. My body makes a good host for colds and flu's, not this. I don't want this, in fact I almost feel panicky thinking that there is something foreign in my body and I just want it out!!!!!
Today I went to Miss Katies volleyball games (that kid is getting good) and sweet little Rylee just wanted to sit in my lap. That little girls hugs and kisses were just what I needed today. I adore her and love to be around her. After Katies game I told Prudence about our news. Again I heard myself speaking those words. Everytime I talk about it I feel like I have an out-of-body experience. It's like my brain is just letting me process this very slowly. After talking to Prudence we decided to tell Katie. She's dealt with this before because her Grandma Eileen had cancer. So at lunch Prudence told her. I tried but the words wouldn't come. For some reason telling my sweet little niece was very hard. There was a lump there. She took it like a trooper but looked at me several times kinda weird. The one thing that struck me the most was Prudence told Katie I was sick, WHAT???? Me sick......oh yeah, I guess technically I am. WOW!!!! that hadn't occured to me just yet.
It's 11:02....so we are now at 36 hours and 2 minutes. I am tired and just want to go to sleep but sleep might bring dreams, dreams that just hurt to much to have. Dreams that even in my sleep make me cry.......which I could cry yesterday and I did, but I can't seem to do now. The lump forms and the tears are there but nothing will come. I haven't figured out yet what the hardest part of all is - The surgery - I hate surgery, I am scared of it and I am terrified of this huge surgery that I have to face. The cancer itself. I have extremely excellent chances of being cured with just the surgery and may not even need chemo or radiation but it's what it's taking away from me that is almost unbearable. I am pretty sure if one looked at my heart they would find it in pieces. Pieces floating around just hanging out, not really sure what to do but beat. One of those pieces contains the child we wanted, the child that I had hoped would have Rich's eyes and wild hair, his height, and his temperament.
How do you "get over" that?
Cancer takes too much from us and does so coldly. Seeing as how cancer seems to be part of my life story why couldn't it have taken something else from me, why did it have to be the thing I wanted most!!!!!
I am a big girl and somehow, someway I will deal with this but I want to have a temper tantrum!!! Like the time when I was about 3 I think and my Mom had her friends over. I wanted to stay up but she put me to bed. I was very angry so I proceeded to let her know just how angry I was.......loudly and by making a teensy mess (okay big mess). But I was 3 then not 36, it was more appropriate then!!!!!!!
I have to go to bed, I must have dozed for a second in front of my computer, I am just so weary!!!! I can't fight sleep anymore!!!! Maybe I won't dream tonight, or atleast if I do it will be about Uncle Jimmy needing me to bring him some potholders because he burned his.....now that is a dream I don't mind having and one that will actually make me smile....
Goodnight cherished family and Friends!!!!!!!!!
I love you!!!!
In 16 minutes it will be 36 hours since Rich and I sat in the doctors office and heard the words "you have endometrial cancer".....I wished that Dr. Stoltz had added "just kidding"......but this isn't something to joke about!!! In fact I haven't really found anything that can lighten the situation. I feel like my arms and legs are weighted down and I can't move, like I am living in a fog. The words cancer and me just shouldn't go together.
Out of everything so far that I am creeped out about is a dream Rich actually had about 10 years ago. I was sound asleep when he grabbed me and was just bawling. FREAKED me out......I kept asking him what was wrong and he told me that he had been dreaming that I had cancer!!!!! I have thought a lot about that yesterday and today!!!!
I told my Mom today that I feel like I should have a big C on my forehead. I don't feel like myself anymore. Like there is an alien in my body. My body makes a good host for colds and flu's, not this. I don't want this, in fact I almost feel panicky thinking that there is something foreign in my body and I just want it out!!!!!
Today I went to Miss Katies volleyball games (that kid is getting good) and sweet little Rylee just wanted to sit in my lap. That little girls hugs and kisses were just what I needed today. I adore her and love to be around her. After Katies game I told Prudence about our news. Again I heard myself speaking those words. Everytime I talk about it I feel like I have an out-of-body experience. It's like my brain is just letting me process this very slowly. After talking to Prudence we decided to tell Katie. She's dealt with this before because her Grandma Eileen had cancer. So at lunch Prudence told her. I tried but the words wouldn't come. For some reason telling my sweet little niece was very hard. There was a lump there. She took it like a trooper but looked at me several times kinda weird. The one thing that struck me the most was Prudence told Katie I was sick, WHAT???? Me sick......oh yeah, I guess technically I am. WOW!!!! that hadn't occured to me just yet.
It's 11:02....so we are now at 36 hours and 2 minutes. I am tired and just want to go to sleep but sleep might bring dreams, dreams that just hurt to much to have. Dreams that even in my sleep make me cry.......which I could cry yesterday and I did, but I can't seem to do now. The lump forms and the tears are there but nothing will come. I haven't figured out yet what the hardest part of all is - The surgery - I hate surgery, I am scared of it and I am terrified of this huge surgery that I have to face. The cancer itself. I have extremely excellent chances of being cured with just the surgery and may not even need chemo or radiation but it's what it's taking away from me that is almost unbearable. I am pretty sure if one looked at my heart they would find it in pieces. Pieces floating around just hanging out, not really sure what to do but beat. One of those pieces contains the child we wanted, the child that I had hoped would have Rich's eyes and wild hair, his height, and his temperament.
How do you "get over" that?
Cancer takes too much from us and does so coldly. Seeing as how cancer seems to be part of my life story why couldn't it have taken something else from me, why did it have to be the thing I wanted most!!!!!
I am a big girl and somehow, someway I will deal with this but I want to have a temper tantrum!!! Like the time when I was about 3 I think and my Mom had her friends over. I wanted to stay up but she put me to bed. I was very angry so I proceeded to let her know just how angry I was.......loudly and by making a teensy mess (okay big mess). But I was 3 then not 36, it was more appropriate then!!!!!!!
I have to go to bed, I must have dozed for a second in front of my computer, I am just so weary!!!! I can't fight sleep anymore!!!! Maybe I won't dream tonight, or atleast if I do it will be about Uncle Jimmy needing me to bring him some potholders because he burned his.....now that is a dream I don't mind having and one that will actually make me smile....
Goodnight cherished family and Friends!!!!!!!!!
I love you!!!!
Friday, March 28, 2008
March 28, 2008
You never know when your life will change.
Today at 11:00am mine changed FOREVER!!!!!! Rich and I have been trying for nearly 14 years to have a baby and today that quest came to an end. I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer and I will likely lose my uterus. I have to see a specialist in Denver next week to discuss my options but with all the trouble we have already had I can't see the news changing. 1 of the options that we can choose is that we can treat the cancer with medication therfore preserving my uterus for a short period of time. Hopefully long enough for us to get pregnant, have the baby and then pull out my uterus, but it's a long shot. I have discovered today just how much I love life even with all the ups and downs we are faced with so I don't know that I want to risk it to have a baby only to have Rich have to raise it by himself. We can adopt and that is something we will be looking into sooner rather then later.
I started this blog for all our family and friends to be updated whenever they wanted to. It will be hard to keep everyone filled on all the details and this seemed like the best way.
Rich or I will post updates as we can. If you are reading this it's because you are an important part of our lives.
Please pray for us in the weeks ahead. We have some difficult decisions that we have to make, and a dream to let go of.
Rich and Shell
Today at 11:00am mine changed FOREVER!!!!!! Rich and I have been trying for nearly 14 years to have a baby and today that quest came to an end. I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer and I will likely lose my uterus. I have to see a specialist in Denver next week to discuss my options but with all the trouble we have already had I can't see the news changing. 1 of the options that we can choose is that we can treat the cancer with medication therfore preserving my uterus for a short period of time. Hopefully long enough for us to get pregnant, have the baby and then pull out my uterus, but it's a long shot. I have discovered today just how much I love life even with all the ups and downs we are faced with so I don't know that I want to risk it to have a baby only to have Rich have to raise it by himself. We can adopt and that is something we will be looking into sooner rather then later.
I started this blog for all our family and friends to be updated whenever they wanted to. It will be hard to keep everyone filled on all the details and this seemed like the best way.
Rich or I will post updates as we can. If you are reading this it's because you are an important part of our lives.
Please pray for us in the weeks ahead. We have some difficult decisions that we have to make, and a dream to let go of.
Rich and Shell
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