Sept 10th 2008 - Home, Healing and Healthy

Hi Everyone,

I have been home for almost 4 weeks now. I have had no interest in anything really hence the reason I haven't updated my blog yet until today. I am healing VERY slowly. I am ready to be back to normal but it's going to be a bit still. I still have a lot of belly pain and incision pain. I am still having some other issues but are a little to personal to mention. The thing that makes all this worth it is that I am cancer free. This ordeal began 6 months ago and I have begun to realize it really will never be over. I realized that at about 9:45am yesterday morning as I was lying on the table in my Dr's office waiting for her to come do my first postop pap smear. I didn't realize that I would be having one until I got there yesterday and was shocked to realize that I was terrified of the results. So as I have done in the past I am waiting for the results to tell me whether or not I am still cancer free or has it come back already. My prayer is that it is still cancer free but until I know for sure I am nervous about it but until I hear otherwise I am cancer free!!!!!!

Somedays I still can't believe that I won't ever be pregnant and give birth to our child. It actually doesn't hurt as bad as I though it would. I think because of the cancer God showed me something more important then having my own baby and that was living. Bottom line is I wasn't ready to go yet, I have too many things left I want to do with my life. Rich and I have been married for 14 1/2 years and I want to have many more with him. At this point in time we don't want to adopt. That may change a year or so from now and until that time comes that we make that final decision we are going to enjoy just being together and we are going to enjoy spoiling our nieces which as of right now we have 3 with another on the way. My best friend Amanda found out she is pregnant - due in April. Rich and I happily accept the honorary Auntie and Uncle role. We already love that little one and can't wait for it to come. We count our blessings in the number of nieces (and hopefully at some point some nephews) that we have and hope to have.

Life is strange in the hand that we are dealt, sometimes we get a good hand, sometimes we don't but at least in my case I got the chance to say "hit me again"

Until next time I hope you all are happy, healthy and loving your family.

Love Shell

August 11th, 2008 - This is it!!!!

Hi Everyone,

I must start off by apologizing for not posting after my D&C. We didn't get good news and I just couldn't bring myself to post it. My cancer came back and this time there is more of it and it's a little more aggressive. SO, we again journeyed down to Swedish Medical Center. This time to discuss surgery and how soon could I have it.

The answer is that I have what I believe is called a radical total hysterectomy. At 12pm today, August 11th I lose everything. Including my dream of having a baby.......that little curly haired baby that looked like Rich that I have dreamt of will forever stay locked away in my heart.

I am not really sure just how I feel about all this because at this point in time I just want this cancer gone and I think that hopefully we will get a clean bill of health. If we don't we move forward with more treatment. My doctor however believes that the surgery will be curetive and I won't need anything else. Once we now for sure I think that I can sort my feelings on never having a chance to get pregnant. My only chance to become a Mom is to adopt and right now I don't know that I want to do that. I think that later on that may change.

Well, it's 1am and I have a huge day and a sad day ahead of me so I better get to bed. I won't say when I will post again as I am not sure when I can but I will as soon as possible. I will be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days so after I get home I will post when I am up too it.

Love Shell

July 13, 2008 - FREEDOM!!!!!!!!

Last night I took my last Megace pill. Hopefully now the mood swings, night sweats, insomnia and increased appetite will go away. I had been taking Megace 4 times a day for the past 3 months. It's such a relief to be done with this phase of my cancer treatment. The next step is a D&C on Wednesday to confirm that the cancer is indeed still gone. Once we find out for sure we will make our appointment to begin infertility treatments. I suppose the mood swings will come back with the hormone treatments but they won't last as long.

Rich and I are currently spending a nice Sunday together playing Wii, watching some TV and just enjoying each other. I have been up since 6 this morning so I might even take a little nap......I can do whatever I want and not be stressed over taking my medicine. I feel so free today.

I will let you all know just as soon as I get the pathology results back which should be Thursday or Friday. I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday!!!!

Love Shell

July 7th, 2008

Happy Independance Day!!!!! a few days late. We had a busy 4th this year and it took me all weekend to recover from it. I did some heavy duty yard work so that contributed to my tiredness - LOL!!!!! Even though I still feel young I have noticed that it takes me a little longer to recover from stuff these days.

I have 5 days left on my medicine. I am so relieved to be done with this but thankful for what this medicine has done for me. I just hope that I return to normal. One thing that I have come to realize that I have matured a little over the last 3 months. I don't always feel that way when I am having a fit but I've grown.

I hope some of my new found maturity will help me get through the next few months. They are going to be difficult. Before this all happened I feel like I was blossoming, like I was coming out of hiding. I didn't want to just be at home all the time I wanted to do stuff but since my diagnoses all I want to do again is hide. I have things in my life I still do I just don't always want to do them. I have to force myself. I hope that goes away.......

I am done with one phase of this and I am on to the next, we'll see what kind of mood that produces. I already have a couple friends who have pretty much removed themselves from my life so we'll see if any others do that too. I guess I can't blame anybody really, I haven't been the easiest person to be around but you expect your friends to understand. I guess some don't or they just don't care.

C'est la vie...........

This is it for now........no, I am not in the best mood right now.....just sad!!!!

My surgery is next week so I will post to let you all know the results, this surgery is the D&C that will make sure that my cancer is gone. Keep your fingers crossed and pray!!!!

Love Shell

June 26th - 15 days

Hi Everyone,

Man, another month has gone by and I haven't posted anything. So real quick, here is the update.

I have 15 days left on my medicine....that is a relief.

I am still super witchy.....not a relief nor any fun

I have gained a little of my weight back which is a result of the Megace.......so makes me mad!!!!!!

Rich has been the best in dealing with me. He takes my mind off everything by getting me addicted to great TV shows that we then rent the seasons from NetFlix. Right now we are addicted to NCIS. This is a superb show. I look forward to watching it whenever we get a DVD. It's just a great show. Rich and I mourned the end of Crossing Jordan and this show is a great replacement. My favorite characters are Abby and McGee. I highly recommend this show.

I can't say enough about my hubby. He really has had to put up with a lot from me in the last 3 months. I am so very lucky to have him. I know that no matter what happens in the next year or so he will be there for me and if we have to suffer the heartbreak of no babies at least I have him to go through this with.....

Well, I am off to bed. I put in a long day today and I haven't been feeling all that great, just some minor health irritation, nothing major. I am tired though.

I have my D&C on July 16th so in case I don't post between now and then please keep us in your prayers.

We Love You

May 20th - Awesome News!!!!!!!!!!

So you know that PET scan I was freaked out about last week????? Well, we all had hoped that the scan would show the cancer ONLY in my uterus.....I never expected, hoped, dreamed or even thought that it would show NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!! YEP, that's right as of right now I am considered cancer free. Now, take me off the medicine and over a long period of time it will eventually come back so I am not TOTALLY out of the woods yet but I am walking along the edge of it. I was so excited to see normal. That was a weight lifted off my shoulders. We are now free to make our appt to see the infertility docs in Denver and start our plan of action of what we are going to do with our 2 attempts.

In the mean time I wish I could say that my moods have improved but they haven't really. It's kind of sad because I rip into someone and then I have to apologize. It's horrible!!!! I just have 7 weeks and 4 days to go - 53 days..........I am grateful for the chance but holy cow, this is a ride I have yet to get used too!!!!!!!

I have been trying to do things that make me happy, like for example.....play with my dog, hang out with my hubby, family and friends, read, etc.......One of the things we have been doing is playing Nintendo Wii. We found one last week at Sams Club and bought it. When Rich and I were first married we bought a Super Nintendo. We would stay up half the night playing Mario Kart. We loved it!!! So, in looking for things that make me happy that was one. The thing is we still have our Super Nintendo, I have no idea if it works but we could have just played that BUT NO, I had to have a Wii. Honestly we love it and have fun playing it. So that has helped me somewhat. Another thing that makes me happy is my nieces. They are coming to spend the night with us this weekend. I am going to pick them up on Friday as soon as I get off work and we are going to go flower shopping. My yard needs color and I need flowers - all those things make me happy. My bleeding hearts are almost ready to bloom, I need to replace 1 sweet William and my snapdragons.......the rest will be pansys, a foxglove (that is supposed to be a perenial but mine dies every year) and a few others whose names I can't thing of at the moment.
We are then going to have a Harry Potter a thon......play my little ponies and whatever else my sweet little nieces want. They make me so happy, they put little band aids on my heart with every "I love you", with every hug and every kiss. Those 2 little girls make this Aunties broken heart better. I am being remiss here in forgetting to mention Madison, let me explain. I actually have 1 biological niece. That would be Kaitlyn. Her sister Rylee has a different dad, and then there is Madison. She is Kevin and Karla's daughter. She calls me Auntie Shell too. It doesn't matter to me if they have the same blood or not, all 3 of these little girls love me and I love them. I can be anybody's auntie if they want me........to me Rylee is just as much mine as Katie is. I adore her!!!!! as I do Kaitlyn and Madison.

I even get a special hug from Madison that Karla says she never gives to her or Kevin. I really am lucky to be an Auntie..........That makes me HAPPY!!!!!!!!

I guess I better wind this up.........my hubby is calling and being with him, in our home, with our dog doing whatever we feel like makes me happy, anywhere my hubby is as long as I can be with him makes me happy!!!!!!!

I hope you all do something tonight that makes you happy!!!!!!!

Love Shell

May 12th, 2008 - Checking in

Hi Everyone,

I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I didn't realize it until Manda pointed it out to me. Growing up my Mom used to tell me that if I had nothing nice to say then don't say it at all. Well, that is in part why I have been silent. The medicine that I am on to treat the cancer (Megace) causes me to have sever mood swings. I can be happy, devastated and extremely angry in less then 5 minutes. It doesn't take much to set me off and it takes forever for me to get it back under control. You know it's bad when you apologize to your husband before you go to sleep for anything you say while in a sleepy state - let me explain......

All of us in my family are sleep walkers. My Mom could have died if it hadn't of been for my grandfather who happened to hear her open the front door one night - by the time he got clothes on she was half way down the street. He reached her as she was about to step onto Beach Blvd (Beach Blvd is a main street in Garden Grove, Ca - their house at the time was right off that road - it would be the equivalent of lets say the Bypass at rush hour only it's like that all the time.) Anyway - me and my brothers (Bryan especially - me and John not as bad) all inherited this affliction from my Mom. We have in the past had fun with this - like the time Bryan was sleep walking back and forth into a wall....after we laughed for a minuted or so Mom gently turned his shoulders and he went back to bed.....John has had his share too.....Back in 1994 right after Rich and I first got married Mom became very ill and ended up in the hospital. Afraid that if something happened to her that Terry would try and take the boys she signed some document basically saying that if she died Rich and I were to have custody of them. So, leaving that night with my brothers in tow we went back to our little tiny apartment. We were all exhausted and scared , Bryan crashed on the couch and John on the floor as close to our bedroom door as he could get. ...well, anyway, the funny part......after we had all fallen asleep I heard John making some noise. Being the big sister I am I went to check on him. Well, I found Bryan sitting up on the couch laughing and John sitting on the floor grabbing at his face, I nealt down next to him and realized that he was totally asleep but grabbing at his face. He started saying he couldn't get his glasses off. I am laughing by this point, Bryan is in near hysterics on the couch and Rich is cracking up too.....I gently shook his shoulder and told him his glasses were on the table. He glared at me, layed down and went right back to sleep. To this day that still makes me laugh and he still doesn't remember doing this. The Boys have a great story about Mom but they would have to tell it, I wasn't there for that one but I got the phone call from both of them. It's pretty funny.....

Anyway - I typically will get up and walk around......sometimes I just stare at Rich (this is according to him) sometimes I yell at him.....how terrible is that!!!! Anyway, since I have been on this medicine he usually breathes a sigh of relief when I go to sleep HOWEVER a few times I have woken up yelling at him like almost screaming......I feel terrible about this, I have NO recollection of doing this to him. So, now before I go to bed I apologize for anything I may say while I am under the influence of sleep. I guess a week or so ago I did it really bad......I was ready to move into Katie and Rylee's room (for those that don't me that well they are my precious little nieces) until I was off this medicine just so my poor hubby doesn't have to go through this. He wouldn't let me so I guess he still loves me......LOL!!!!!

I told Manda today that really I should be locked away until I am off this medicine. Last night at dinner I could have taken Bryan down with a comment he made about how I was his step sister- WHAT THE FREAKING HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom realized that he was confused between step and half and explained I was TECHNICALLY his half sister....

OKay - I can't even begin to tell you all how OFFENDED I was that my BROTHER who is my brother through and through no matter what referred to me as "just my half sister"......I am more sister to him then a lot of brothers and sisters who have the same parents!!!!! Oh, that still cuts like a knife just to think about it. After all these years he just sees me as his half sister.....before he was born I remember being upset that he was only my half brother and Mom explained to me that I would never see him that way. I never did and I never have. There is no difference in my heart. He belongs to me as does John.......they are mine I am theirs!!!!!! We are siblings, we have been to hell and back together, we have seen things no children should EVER see.....there are no halfsies in this family!!!!!!!!! I truly hope that Bryan doesn't REALLY see me as just his half sister because if he does he needs to keep it to himself, my heart can't take that kind of heart break right now!!!!!!!

Most of time these days I just want to hide, I am almost afraid to be around people. I can't hold my tongue like I used to, I am on a perpetual roller coaster and I can't get off until July 12th at around 10pm - that's when I take my last pill....2 months from today, I have only been on this medicine for 1 month today and already it feels like eternity. I want to be myself again, I want to feel happy again, I want to look in the mirror and see a happy me instead of a tired, angry and sad me. I am not pretty like this!!!!!!

I don't mean to complain about this, honestly this is my choice to be on this medicine, it's the only way I will even have a chance to try and get pregnant. I thought knowing that would make taking this medicine EASY but even the shear happiness at just have a chance isn't enough to shake me out of my funk when I get in one. For whatever reason God picked me to go through this and at some point I am sure he will tell me why but in the mean time I just keep telling myself to have faith......it's all I can do!!!

On a happier note last Wednesday Rich and I celebrated 14 years of being married!! Next to my family Rich is the longest relationship I have ever had!!!!! I consider that an accomplishment and one that I am proud of!!!!! I wonder what the next 14 will bring us??

Thanks for listening to me ramble, I will try to be more diligent about keeping you all updated. There are 2 things I can tell you so far...

My FSH test results came back showing my FSH was 4.7 - which is great.......

Tomorrow morning at 8am (May 13th) I will have a PET scan to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else. I am terrified of the results of this test but I will post as soon as I know the results.

I better go put my grumpy butt to bed, I actually don't feel grumpy tonight, I am sad, scared and freaked out about tomorrow!!! I just hope I can get through the night without screaming at Rich.....you know sleep is almost stressful but that's another blog that I will write about later!!

Good night all, if your phone rings in the middle of the night and it's me please forgive me for whatever comes out of my mouth....

Love Shell