So you know that PET scan I was freaked out about last week????? Well, we all had hoped that the scan would show the cancer ONLY in my uterus.....I never expected, hoped, dreamed or even thought that it would show NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!! YEP, that's right as of right now I am considered cancer free. Now, take me off the medicine and over a long period of time it will eventually come back so I am not TOTALLY out of the woods yet but I am walking along the edge of it. I was so excited to see normal. That was a weight lifted off my shoulders. We are now free to make our appt to see the infertility docs in Denver and start our plan of action of what we are going to do with our 2 attempts.
In the mean time I wish I could say that my moods have improved but they haven't really. It's kind of sad because I rip into someone and then I have to apologize. It's horrible!!!! I just have 7 weeks and 4 days to go - 53 days..........I am grateful for the chance but holy cow, this is a ride I have yet to get used too!!!!!!!
I have been trying to do things that make me happy, like for example.....play with my dog, hang out with my hubby, family and friends, read, etc.......One of the things we have been doing is playing Nintendo Wii. We found one last week at Sams Club and bought it. When Rich and I were first married we bought a Super Nintendo. We would stay up half the night playing Mario Kart. We loved it!!! So, in looking for things that make me happy that was one. The thing is we still have our Super Nintendo, I have no idea if it works but we could have just played that BUT NO, I had to have a Wii. Honestly we love it and have fun playing it. So that has helped me somewhat. Another thing that makes me happy is my nieces. They are coming to spend the night with us this weekend. I am going to pick them up on Friday as soon as I get off work and we are going to go flower shopping. My yard needs color and I need flowers - all those things make me happy. My bleeding hearts are almost ready to bloom, I need to replace 1 sweet William and my snapdragons.......the rest will be pansys, a foxglove (that is supposed to be a perenial but mine dies every year) and a few others whose names I can't thing of at the moment.
We are then going to have a Harry Potter a thon......play my little ponies and whatever else my sweet little nieces want. They make me so happy, they put little band aids on my heart with every "I love you", with every hug and every kiss. Those 2 little girls make this Aunties broken heart better. I am being remiss here in forgetting to mention Madison, let me explain. I actually have 1 biological niece. That would be Kaitlyn. Her sister Rylee has a different dad, and then there is Madison. She is Kevin and Karla's daughter. She calls me Auntie Shell too. It doesn't matter to me if they have the same blood or not, all 3 of these little girls love me and I love them. I can be anybody's auntie if they want me........to me Rylee is just as much mine as Katie is. I adore her!!!!! as I do Kaitlyn and Madison.
I even get a special hug from Madison that Karla says she never gives to her or Kevin. I really am lucky to be an Auntie..........That makes me HAPPY!!!!!!!!
I guess I better wind this up.........my hubby is calling and being with him, in our home, with our dog doing whatever we feel like makes me happy, anywhere my hubby is as long as I can be with him makes me happy!!!!!!!
I hope you all do something tonight that makes you happy!!!!!!!
Love Shell
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
May 12th, 2008 - Checking in
Hi Everyone,
I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I didn't realize it until Manda pointed it out to me. Growing up my Mom used to tell me that if I had nothing nice to say then don't say it at all. Well, that is in part why I have been silent. The medicine that I am on to treat the cancer (Megace) causes me to have sever mood swings. I can be happy, devastated and extremely angry in less then 5 minutes. It doesn't take much to set me off and it takes forever for me to get it back under control. You know it's bad when you apologize to your husband before you go to sleep for anything you say while in a sleepy state - let me explain......
All of us in my family are sleep walkers. My Mom could have died if it hadn't of been for my grandfather who happened to hear her open the front door one night - by the time he got clothes on she was half way down the street. He reached her as she was about to step onto Beach Blvd (Beach Blvd is a main street in Garden Grove, Ca - their house at the time was right off that road - it would be the equivalent of lets say the Bypass at rush hour only it's like that all the time.) Anyway - me and my brothers (Bryan especially - me and John not as bad) all inherited this affliction from my Mom. We have in the past had fun with this - like the time Bryan was sleep walking back and forth into a wall....after we laughed for a minuted or so Mom gently turned his shoulders and he went back to bed.....John has had his share too.....Back in 1994 right after Rich and I first got married Mom became very ill and ended up in the hospital. Afraid that if something happened to her that Terry would try and take the boys she signed some document basically saying that if she died Rich and I were to have custody of them. So, leaving that night with my brothers in tow we went back to our little tiny apartment. We were all exhausted and scared , Bryan crashed on the couch and John on the floor as close to our bedroom door as he could get. ...well, anyway, the funny part......after we had all fallen asleep I heard John making some noise. Being the big sister I am I went to check on him. Well, I found Bryan sitting up on the couch laughing and John sitting on the floor grabbing at his face, I nealt down next to him and realized that he was totally asleep but grabbing at his face. He started saying he couldn't get his glasses off. I am laughing by this point, Bryan is in near hysterics on the couch and Rich is cracking up too.....I gently shook his shoulder and told him his glasses were on the table. He glared at me, layed down and went right back to sleep. To this day that still makes me laugh and he still doesn't remember doing this. The Boys have a great story about Mom but they would have to tell it, I wasn't there for that one but I got the phone call from both of them. It's pretty funny.....
Anyway - I typically will get up and walk around......sometimes I just stare at Rich (this is according to him) sometimes I yell at him.....how terrible is that!!!! Anyway, since I have been on this medicine he usually breathes a sigh of relief when I go to sleep HOWEVER a few times I have woken up yelling at him like almost screaming......I feel terrible about this, I have NO recollection of doing this to him. So, now before I go to bed I apologize for anything I may say while I am under the influence of sleep. I guess a week or so ago I did it really bad......I was ready to move into Katie and Rylee's room (for those that don't me that well they are my precious little nieces) until I was off this medicine just so my poor hubby doesn't have to go through this. He wouldn't let me so I guess he still loves me......LOL!!!!!
I told Manda today that really I should be locked away until I am off this medicine. Last night at dinner I could have taken Bryan down with a comment he made about how I was his step sister- WHAT THE FREAKING HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom realized that he was confused between step and half and explained I was TECHNICALLY his half sister....
OKay - I can't even begin to tell you all how OFFENDED I was that my BROTHER who is my brother through and through no matter what referred to me as "just my half sister"......I am more sister to him then a lot of brothers and sisters who have the same parents!!!!! Oh, that still cuts like a knife just to think about it. After all these years he just sees me as his half sister.....before he was born I remember being upset that he was only my half brother and Mom explained to me that I would never see him that way. I never did and I never have. There is no difference in my heart. He belongs to me as does John.......they are mine I am theirs!!!!!! We are siblings, we have been to hell and back together, we have seen things no children should EVER see.....there are no halfsies in this family!!!!!!!!! I truly hope that Bryan doesn't REALLY see me as just his half sister because if he does he needs to keep it to himself, my heart can't take that kind of heart break right now!!!!!!!
Most of time these days I just want to hide, I am almost afraid to be around people. I can't hold my tongue like I used to, I am on a perpetual roller coaster and I can't get off until July 12th at around 10pm - that's when I take my last pill....2 months from today, I have only been on this medicine for 1 month today and already it feels like eternity. I want to be myself again, I want to feel happy again, I want to look in the mirror and see a happy me instead of a tired, angry and sad me. I am not pretty like this!!!!!!
I don't mean to complain about this, honestly this is my choice to be on this medicine, it's the only way I will even have a chance to try and get pregnant. I thought knowing that would make taking this medicine EASY but even the shear happiness at just have a chance isn't enough to shake me out of my funk when I get in one. For whatever reason God picked me to go through this and at some point I am sure he will tell me why but in the mean time I just keep telling myself to have faith......it's all I can do!!!
On a happier note last Wednesday Rich and I celebrated 14 years of being married!! Next to my family Rich is the longest relationship I have ever had!!!!! I consider that an accomplishment and one that I am proud of!!!!! I wonder what the next 14 will bring us??
Thanks for listening to me ramble, I will try to be more diligent about keeping you all updated. There are 2 things I can tell you so far...
My FSH test results came back showing my FSH was 4.7 - which is great.......
Tomorrow morning at 8am (May 13th) I will have a PET scan to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else. I am terrified of the results of this test but I will post as soon as I know the results.
I better go put my grumpy butt to bed, I actually don't feel grumpy tonight, I am sad, scared and freaked out about tomorrow!!! I just hope I can get through the night without screaming at Rich.....you know sleep is almost stressful but that's another blog that I will write about later!!
Good night all, if your phone rings in the middle of the night and it's me please forgive me for whatever comes out of my mouth....
Love Shell
I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I didn't realize it until Manda pointed it out to me. Growing up my Mom used to tell me that if I had nothing nice to say then don't say it at all. Well, that is in part why I have been silent. The medicine that I am on to treat the cancer (Megace) causes me to have sever mood swings. I can be happy, devastated and extremely angry in less then 5 minutes. It doesn't take much to set me off and it takes forever for me to get it back under control. You know it's bad when you apologize to your husband before you go to sleep for anything you say while in a sleepy state - let me explain......
All of us in my family are sleep walkers. My Mom could have died if it hadn't of been for my grandfather who happened to hear her open the front door one night - by the time he got clothes on she was half way down the street. He reached her as she was about to step onto Beach Blvd (Beach Blvd is a main street in Garden Grove, Ca - their house at the time was right off that road - it would be the equivalent of lets say the Bypass at rush hour only it's like that all the time.) Anyway - me and my brothers (Bryan especially - me and John not as bad) all inherited this affliction from my Mom. We have in the past had fun with this - like the time Bryan was sleep walking back and forth into a wall....after we laughed for a minuted or so Mom gently turned his shoulders and he went back to bed.....John has had his share too.....Back in 1994 right after Rich and I first got married Mom became very ill and ended up in the hospital. Afraid that if something happened to her that Terry would try and take the boys she signed some document basically saying that if she died Rich and I were to have custody of them. So, leaving that night with my brothers in tow we went back to our little tiny apartment. We were all exhausted and scared , Bryan crashed on the couch and John on the floor as close to our bedroom door as he could get. ...well, anyway, the funny part......after we had all fallen asleep I heard John making some noise. Being the big sister I am I went to check on him. Well, I found Bryan sitting up on the couch laughing and John sitting on the floor grabbing at his face, I nealt down next to him and realized that he was totally asleep but grabbing at his face. He started saying he couldn't get his glasses off. I am laughing by this point, Bryan is in near hysterics on the couch and Rich is cracking up too.....I gently shook his shoulder and told him his glasses were on the table. He glared at me, layed down and went right back to sleep. To this day that still makes me laugh and he still doesn't remember doing this. The Boys have a great story about Mom but they would have to tell it, I wasn't there for that one but I got the phone call from both of them. It's pretty funny.....
Anyway - I typically will get up and walk around......sometimes I just stare at Rich (this is according to him) sometimes I yell at him.....how terrible is that!!!! Anyway, since I have been on this medicine he usually breathes a sigh of relief when I go to sleep HOWEVER a few times I have woken up yelling at him like almost screaming......I feel terrible about this, I have NO recollection of doing this to him. So, now before I go to bed I apologize for anything I may say while I am under the influence of sleep. I guess a week or so ago I did it really bad......I was ready to move into Katie and Rylee's room (for those that don't me that well they are my precious little nieces) until I was off this medicine just so my poor hubby doesn't have to go through this. He wouldn't let me so I guess he still loves me......LOL!!!!!
I told Manda today that really I should be locked away until I am off this medicine. Last night at dinner I could have taken Bryan down with a comment he made about how I was his step sister- WHAT THE FREAKING HECK IS HE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom realized that he was confused between step and half and explained I was TECHNICALLY his half sister....
OKay - I can't even begin to tell you all how OFFENDED I was that my BROTHER who is my brother through and through no matter what referred to me as "just my half sister"......I am more sister to him then a lot of brothers and sisters who have the same parents!!!!! Oh, that still cuts like a knife just to think about it. After all these years he just sees me as his half sister.....before he was born I remember being upset that he was only my half brother and Mom explained to me that I would never see him that way. I never did and I never have. There is no difference in my heart. He belongs to me as does John.......they are mine I am theirs!!!!!! We are siblings, we have been to hell and back together, we have seen things no children should EVER see.....there are no halfsies in this family!!!!!!!!! I truly hope that Bryan doesn't REALLY see me as just his half sister because if he does he needs to keep it to himself, my heart can't take that kind of heart break right now!!!!!!!
Most of time these days I just want to hide, I am almost afraid to be around people. I can't hold my tongue like I used to, I am on a perpetual roller coaster and I can't get off until July 12th at around 10pm - that's when I take my last pill....2 months from today, I have only been on this medicine for 1 month today and already it feels like eternity. I want to be myself again, I want to feel happy again, I want to look in the mirror and see a happy me instead of a tired, angry and sad me. I am not pretty like this!!!!!!
I don't mean to complain about this, honestly this is my choice to be on this medicine, it's the only way I will even have a chance to try and get pregnant. I thought knowing that would make taking this medicine EASY but even the shear happiness at just have a chance isn't enough to shake me out of my funk when I get in one. For whatever reason God picked me to go through this and at some point I am sure he will tell me why but in the mean time I just keep telling myself to have faith......it's all I can do!!!
On a happier note last Wednesday Rich and I celebrated 14 years of being married!! Next to my family Rich is the longest relationship I have ever had!!!!! I consider that an accomplishment and one that I am proud of!!!!! I wonder what the next 14 will bring us??
Thanks for listening to me ramble, I will try to be more diligent about keeping you all updated. There are 2 things I can tell you so far...
My FSH test results came back showing my FSH was 4.7 - which is great.......
Tomorrow morning at 8am (May 13th) I will have a PET scan to make sure that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else. I am terrified of the results of this test but I will post as soon as I know the results.
I better go put my grumpy butt to bed, I actually don't feel grumpy tonight, I am sad, scared and freaked out about tomorrow!!! I just hope I can get through the night without screaming at Rich.....you know sleep is almost stressful but that's another blog that I will write about later!!
Good night all, if your phone rings in the middle of the night and it's me please forgive me for whatever comes out of my mouth....
Love Shell
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