We still don't have approval from my insurance yet to go to Denver and meet with a specialist. It's pending.
Don' t these people now what Cancer means.......HELLO, MCFLY!!!!! This should be a no brainer. They have the request, my hospital doesn't have what I need to take care of this, it should be approved IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!
Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I have insurance and that I have options but seriously this shouldn't require any thought. I have an alien growing in the lining of my uterus! Well heck, at least I can grow something in there!!!! LOL!
I guess that's it for today, I don't have much to say - can you all believe it, me with not much to say.....don't get used to it, it doesn't happen often!!! :)
toodles.....until tomorrow and hopefully I will have a response from Insurance.....
Shell
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
March 30th, 2008
Well, I slept last night and I feel much better today. I am still overwhelmed by this whole situation. I still can't believe what has transpired. Last night before I finally went to bed I took my medication. 1 medication is metformin, it is traditionally used to treat diabetes but I don't have diabetes, in my case it is treating my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I was taking this in hopes that it would help us get pregnant. I had also started taking prenatal vitamins. I still took them but I realized that I didn't need them now. That was another wave of sadness that washed over me.
For someone who has "the best kind of cancer to have if your going to have it" you wouldn't think that I would be so sad but I think I am in mourning for what we have lost. It literally feels like I have suffered a death in my family and in someways I have. Does one mourn for a child never born??? I always new this could be a possibility but it still hurts.
I guess despite how this post sounds so far I really do feel better today. My hope and faith has always been to have a child so now I need to shift that hope and faith to how we go about adopting one. We are parents in need of a child to love and somewhere out there is a child in need of parents to love it. Instead of being born from my body that child will be born in my heart. That child may not have even been born yet but when we are ready to pursue it I have hope and faith that God will bring us together.
I hope you all have a blessed Sunday, I know I will. I have a husband who loves me, a puppy who adores me and because it's Sunday that means there is a race to watch........
Boogity, Boogity, Boogity lets go racing boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Shell
For someone who has "the best kind of cancer to have if your going to have it" you wouldn't think that I would be so sad but I think I am in mourning for what we have lost. It literally feels like I have suffered a death in my family and in someways I have. Does one mourn for a child never born??? I always new this could be a possibility but it still hurts.
I guess despite how this post sounds so far I really do feel better today. My hope and faith has always been to have a child so now I need to shift that hope and faith to how we go about adopting one. We are parents in need of a child to love and somewhere out there is a child in need of parents to love it. Instead of being born from my body that child will be born in my heart. That child may not have even been born yet but when we are ready to pursue it I have hope and faith that God will bring us together.
I hope you all have a blessed Sunday, I know I will. I have a husband who loves me, a puppy who adores me and because it's Sunday that means there is a race to watch........
Boogity, Boogity, Boogity lets go racing boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Shell
Saturday, March 29, 2008
March 29, 2008
Today has been weird.
In 16 minutes it will be 36 hours since Rich and I sat in the doctors office and heard the words "you have endometrial cancer".....I wished that Dr. Stoltz had added "just kidding"......but this isn't something to joke about!!! In fact I haven't really found anything that can lighten the situation. I feel like my arms and legs are weighted down and I can't move, like I am living in a fog. The words cancer and me just shouldn't go together.
Out of everything so far that I am creeped out about is a dream Rich actually had about 10 years ago. I was sound asleep when he grabbed me and was just bawling. FREAKED me out......I kept asking him what was wrong and he told me that he had been dreaming that I had cancer!!!!! I have thought a lot about that yesterday and today!!!!
I told my Mom today that I feel like I should have a big C on my forehead. I don't feel like myself anymore. Like there is an alien in my body. My body makes a good host for colds and flu's, not this. I don't want this, in fact I almost feel panicky thinking that there is something foreign in my body and I just want it out!!!!!
Today I went to Miss Katies volleyball games (that kid is getting good) and sweet little Rylee just wanted to sit in my lap. That little girls hugs and kisses were just what I needed today. I adore her and love to be around her. After Katies game I told Prudence about our news. Again I heard myself speaking those words. Everytime I talk about it I feel like I have an out-of-body experience. It's like my brain is just letting me process this very slowly. After talking to Prudence we decided to tell Katie. She's dealt with this before because her Grandma Eileen had cancer. So at lunch Prudence told her. I tried but the words wouldn't come. For some reason telling my sweet little niece was very hard. There was a lump there. She took it like a trooper but looked at me several times kinda weird. The one thing that struck me the most was Prudence told Katie I was sick, WHAT???? Me sick......oh yeah, I guess technically I am. WOW!!!! that hadn't occured to me just yet.
It's 11:02....so we are now at 36 hours and 2 minutes. I am tired and just want to go to sleep but sleep might bring dreams, dreams that just hurt to much to have. Dreams that even in my sleep make me cry.......which I could cry yesterday and I did, but I can't seem to do now. The lump forms and the tears are there but nothing will come. I haven't figured out yet what the hardest part of all is - The surgery - I hate surgery, I am scared of it and I am terrified of this huge surgery that I have to face. The cancer itself. I have extremely excellent chances of being cured with just the surgery and may not even need chemo or radiation but it's what it's taking away from me that is almost unbearable. I am pretty sure if one looked at my heart they would find it in pieces. Pieces floating around just hanging out, not really sure what to do but beat. One of those pieces contains the child we wanted, the child that I had hoped would have Rich's eyes and wild hair, his height, and his temperament.
How do you "get over" that?
Cancer takes too much from us and does so coldly. Seeing as how cancer seems to be part of my life story why couldn't it have taken something else from me, why did it have to be the thing I wanted most!!!!!
I am a big girl and somehow, someway I will deal with this but I want to have a temper tantrum!!! Like the time when I was about 3 I think and my Mom had her friends over. I wanted to stay up but she put me to bed. I was very angry so I proceeded to let her know just how angry I was.......loudly and by making a teensy mess (okay big mess). But I was 3 then not 36, it was more appropriate then!!!!!!!
I have to go to bed, I must have dozed for a second in front of my computer, I am just so weary!!!! I can't fight sleep anymore!!!! Maybe I won't dream tonight, or atleast if I do it will be about Uncle Jimmy needing me to bring him some potholders because he burned his.....now that is a dream I don't mind having and one that will actually make me smile....
Goodnight cherished family and Friends!!!!!!!!!
I love you!!!!
In 16 minutes it will be 36 hours since Rich and I sat in the doctors office and heard the words "you have endometrial cancer".....I wished that Dr. Stoltz had added "just kidding"......but this isn't something to joke about!!! In fact I haven't really found anything that can lighten the situation. I feel like my arms and legs are weighted down and I can't move, like I am living in a fog. The words cancer and me just shouldn't go together.
Out of everything so far that I am creeped out about is a dream Rich actually had about 10 years ago. I was sound asleep when he grabbed me and was just bawling. FREAKED me out......I kept asking him what was wrong and he told me that he had been dreaming that I had cancer!!!!! I have thought a lot about that yesterday and today!!!!
I told my Mom today that I feel like I should have a big C on my forehead. I don't feel like myself anymore. Like there is an alien in my body. My body makes a good host for colds and flu's, not this. I don't want this, in fact I almost feel panicky thinking that there is something foreign in my body and I just want it out!!!!!
Today I went to Miss Katies volleyball games (that kid is getting good) and sweet little Rylee just wanted to sit in my lap. That little girls hugs and kisses were just what I needed today. I adore her and love to be around her. After Katies game I told Prudence about our news. Again I heard myself speaking those words. Everytime I talk about it I feel like I have an out-of-body experience. It's like my brain is just letting me process this very slowly. After talking to Prudence we decided to tell Katie. She's dealt with this before because her Grandma Eileen had cancer. So at lunch Prudence told her. I tried but the words wouldn't come. For some reason telling my sweet little niece was very hard. There was a lump there. She took it like a trooper but looked at me several times kinda weird. The one thing that struck me the most was Prudence told Katie I was sick, WHAT???? Me sick......oh yeah, I guess technically I am. WOW!!!! that hadn't occured to me just yet.
It's 11:02....so we are now at 36 hours and 2 minutes. I am tired and just want to go to sleep but sleep might bring dreams, dreams that just hurt to much to have. Dreams that even in my sleep make me cry.......which I could cry yesterday and I did, but I can't seem to do now. The lump forms and the tears are there but nothing will come. I haven't figured out yet what the hardest part of all is - The surgery - I hate surgery, I am scared of it and I am terrified of this huge surgery that I have to face. The cancer itself. I have extremely excellent chances of being cured with just the surgery and may not even need chemo or radiation but it's what it's taking away from me that is almost unbearable. I am pretty sure if one looked at my heart they would find it in pieces. Pieces floating around just hanging out, not really sure what to do but beat. One of those pieces contains the child we wanted, the child that I had hoped would have Rich's eyes and wild hair, his height, and his temperament.
How do you "get over" that?
Cancer takes too much from us and does so coldly. Seeing as how cancer seems to be part of my life story why couldn't it have taken something else from me, why did it have to be the thing I wanted most!!!!!
I am a big girl and somehow, someway I will deal with this but I want to have a temper tantrum!!! Like the time when I was about 3 I think and my Mom had her friends over. I wanted to stay up but she put me to bed. I was very angry so I proceeded to let her know just how angry I was.......loudly and by making a teensy mess (okay big mess). But I was 3 then not 36, it was more appropriate then!!!!!!!
I have to go to bed, I must have dozed for a second in front of my computer, I am just so weary!!!! I can't fight sleep anymore!!!! Maybe I won't dream tonight, or atleast if I do it will be about Uncle Jimmy needing me to bring him some potholders because he burned his.....now that is a dream I don't mind having and one that will actually make me smile....
Goodnight cherished family and Friends!!!!!!!!!
I love you!!!!
Friday, March 28, 2008
March 28, 2008
You never know when your life will change.
Today at 11:00am mine changed FOREVER!!!!!! Rich and I have been trying for nearly 14 years to have a baby and today that quest came to an end. I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer and I will likely lose my uterus. I have to see a specialist in Denver next week to discuss my options but with all the trouble we have already had I can't see the news changing. 1 of the options that we can choose is that we can treat the cancer with medication therfore preserving my uterus for a short period of time. Hopefully long enough for us to get pregnant, have the baby and then pull out my uterus, but it's a long shot. I have discovered today just how much I love life even with all the ups and downs we are faced with so I don't know that I want to risk it to have a baby only to have Rich have to raise it by himself. We can adopt and that is something we will be looking into sooner rather then later.
I started this blog for all our family and friends to be updated whenever they wanted to. It will be hard to keep everyone filled on all the details and this seemed like the best way.
Rich or I will post updates as we can. If you are reading this it's because you are an important part of our lives.
Please pray for us in the weeks ahead. We have some difficult decisions that we have to make, and a dream to let go of.
Rich and Shell
Today at 11:00am mine changed FOREVER!!!!!! Rich and I have been trying for nearly 14 years to have a baby and today that quest came to an end. I was diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer and I will likely lose my uterus. I have to see a specialist in Denver next week to discuss my options but with all the trouble we have already had I can't see the news changing. 1 of the options that we can choose is that we can treat the cancer with medication therfore preserving my uterus for a short period of time. Hopefully long enough for us to get pregnant, have the baby and then pull out my uterus, but it's a long shot. I have discovered today just how much I love life even with all the ups and downs we are faced with so I don't know that I want to risk it to have a baby only to have Rich have to raise it by himself. We can adopt and that is something we will be looking into sooner rather then later.
I started this blog for all our family and friends to be updated whenever they wanted to. It will be hard to keep everyone filled on all the details and this seemed like the best way.
Rich or I will post updates as we can. If you are reading this it's because you are an important part of our lives.
Please pray for us in the weeks ahead. We have some difficult decisions that we have to make, and a dream to let go of.
Rich and Shell
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